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16 Responses to “Accountability”

  1. Sheryl Scales said

    Having after living with my partner of 8 years and seeking professional as well as using the internet for help have started to see the light at the end of a horrible nightmare that i had been living with my partner-abuse denial,lies,cheating and the list goes on could not have continued with this relationship until this morning when my partner actually listen to your radio show.I am a recently retired teacher and one can cope with other peoples problems however my life and our relationship was just about over until he listened to both of u, not admitting that he has a problem but did take note and then read a little about his disorder,hoping there is further light at the end of this relationship as i can give and put inplace actions and steps that u have both encountered- thanks again Sheryl

  2. Beau said

    how do i get her my wife that she has a problem?

  3. Allison said

    Great show,
    I think it becomes amazingly hard to remember that allowing your narcissistic partner to create the smoke screen with “minor” issues can only lead to a larger downward spiral. It is NO DOUBT hard to remian patient and pick the battles… but when we can’t do just that it only comes back to hurt us, and might get in the way of the momentum we have worked so hard to create. In my case my partner has recently been tormenting me with the “small” stuff, just to get me to crumble… and unfortunately I did. We have been arguing about everything under the sun and all the while he has used that fuel to make decisions that I needed to be a part of to feel secure and to keep my children and our lifestyle intact. He hasn’t been talking to me because of all the fighting and I, with my disgust, have been trying to ignore him – all the while he went ahead and spent $$$ we didn’t have on a business opportunity I was against. His defense was that “we weren’t taking, so how could he discuss it with me”, and he “can’t wait until we’re getting along to do the work he needs to do”… In this case I actually screwed myself over. I know him. I know his patterns, but I let the Narcissism and my emotions get the bast of me again! At this point I just need to rebound and come back stronger. I made a mistake and it hurt me. Anger and resentment can truly get the best of you if you let it.

  4. kimcooper said

    That will be very difficult – it is best you start working on yourself first and learning how better to handle yourself and your own emotions. If you have not been to our site please start here;

    Hang in there Beau!


  5. kimcooper said

    Tackle the big issue here and make sure that your finances are secured and protected as much as possible from his financial irresponsibility. Also see if there is a cool off period on returning what he has purchased. Don’t get over emotional but do make a stand and be ready to bring in back up. A gambling help line in your area may help. What he is doing is a form of gambling if he cannot afford the business he is investing in. Also talk to your accountant if you have one and if not see if you can find an accountant that will help you without charging much. If you let them know why you need help they may be able to make some suggestions.

    This is what I mean by choose your battles. This one about the money is important and you need to get ready to stand firm and not get emotional just get your way! If your will is stronger than his you can win this one!!!

    Deep down he is probably scared about money too and that is why he feels he needs to take this risk, him provoking you is probably not even conscious but part of his nervousness and fear around all of this. Easier to blame you than admit to himself that in his own mind he is failing as a provider. Knowing this you might be able to build some trust too – it won’t come easily I don’t think and he is bound to show some sparks but if you come at this from a higher level where you both agree (eg. “I know you are worried about money and that why you felt you needed to make this investment, I am worried about money too.”) You will have common ground later to come back to even if it takes awhile. You will however still need to stand firm that your financial security is protected better with real boundaries put in place.


  6. sharon said

    I am at the end of the rope as most people are when dealing whith a partner with npd. My love has know decided to live in a house with the woman he had an affair with as he says doesnt want to abuse me any more. My friends which are leaving by their there droves say liar liar lair he is playing me and I believe it. He actually went to a councellor today and I was going to tell hem come home or thats it. But we were told to not communicate for 2 weeks. All I can think of is them together and it makes me sick in my stomach. He says that they are just house mates I have given him his 2 weeks but he needs to swhow that he his geting control of his anger or I am not able to go on.

  7. mtf7y said

    Hi. I just wanted to throw out there that I have been really trying to figure out if I’m dealing with a true N or not. I see a lot of things that are right on, but some things that are very NOT there–like the whole public image thing. That doesn’t matter at all to my partner. So I’ve looked into other personality disorders and there are some that sound similar too. So I think I am dealing with a mix–possibly Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders. Although I can’t nail down the total disregard for how one “looks” in public either. Complete opposite of an N, my partner doesn’t give a whip what he looks like in public. I do see a TON of information that is helpful here, though. So it continues to be a great source for me. I just have to figure out how to handle the areas that are different. Not caring about public apperance doesn’t give me much “weight” in him fearing being exposed.

  8. monica said

    My brother in law is a bully.
    Not only to me but to my nephews.
    This is the third time in this year that he has been very intimidating and agressive towards me in front of my daughter and my two nephews.

    I wrote him a this email:

    This is the third time you have raised your voice and have been very aggressive towards me.
    This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE
    I do not know how to handle you when you are like this and its scares me.
    I feel intimitated and hurt when you act like this.
    If this happens again I will have a word with my friend U.S. Marshall Joe Castro about this intimidation and aggresion problem.

    I do not what to call him,but I dont know how to handle your aggression and intimidation so I really have no choice if you do not stop.
    We can talk again when you are ready to talk to me without being so agressive.

    This is what he responded to me:

    I am not going to be afraid of your comment, do as you feel, I feel you have no respect for others and want your way, grow up. I am not going to stoop down to your level though, dont worry about me, I have nothing more to say, when you are willing to LISTEN, not HEAR, LISTEN then we can talk until then. I dont know what else to tell you.


    PLEASE Help

    I dont know how to handle this situation.


  9. Joe Nyeste said

    Hi Kim & Steve,
    I am happy to say that I am growing expedentially this year. It began when I became miserable weeks after marrying Sandy 9-9-09, consequently I began asking for help from a therapist regarding Sandy and the “problem”. The growth began when I accepted that I have a codependancy disorder after our marital counseling got “thrown in the gutter” and first separation in March this year just 7 months into our marraige. How could this be a mistake?
    I had to accept that this place I am in is because of how I arrived at my decision to marry Sandy and what had led me up to that decision. I admitted my problem of codependancy in May to Sandy and she was glad that I told her that I am changing!
    I have not yet, 3 weeks now after ending the relationship said to Sandy that she has a “problem” because of the main “rule” that a codependant has. This main “rule” is rigidly followed and repeatedly states cognitively “you are not allowed to tell “them” that they have a problem.It is not “allowed” and will not be admitted.
    Reality is for the codependant that it is the reason you are in the relationship to begin with.I loved the “problem” equally as much as Sandy. I cannot wait to see how I will take care of myself in the near future when she does what she has to do in order to eliminate what she perceives as the problem-(me).
    I would love to hear your feedback Kim & Steve,
    Joe 🙂

  10. kimcooper said

    I think I follow you Joe – With myself what you are saying makes me think of my mother. She wanted so much from me all my life yet I was terrified to ever talk to her openly about her drinking. In the end I did find that courage a couple of times and that was indeed part of my healing. Before I felt that the world would explode if I talked to her about that, but of course it didn’t and instead she was just embarrassed.

    With narcissism it is a bit harder. Because it is a whole pattern of behavior it is of course easier for her to avoid looking at. This is we usually suggest that you don’t use that word but instead something simpler like perhaps false pride or even insecurity. Bringing that up with Sandy now may be positive and it also may not IMHO. I think what is most important now is that you have some solid goals that have nothing to do with a relationship and that you spend time on them every day and doing things that make you happy.

    I am hoping to have a whole new system up by the end of this week with checklist pages of things to work through for the major types of situations people on our list are dealing with. There will be a page for codependent and divorced and I hope it has some ideas that might help you.

    I didn’t lose Steve, but in a way I did – because for awhile there I became so focused on my own life and goals that I did in fact divorce him in my heart in a way. In our case that allowed a new relationship to grow in time, but even if that hadn’t happened I know I would have been OK.

    I lost myself so badly in the first 10 years of my marriage that I hardly knew who I was by the end of that time. Rediscovering myself and finding my own inner strength was a wonderful time of my life and I hope that it can be now for you too Joe.

    Take Care and know we are thinking of you (-:

    Kim Cooper

  11. Joe Nyeste said

    Hi Kim & Steve,
    I am broken this morning with the realization of my codependancy disorder and that what I have done to myself and the most treasured covenant in my core belief system. Marraige.
    I am sick and am seeking help with this problem but the reason I am writing you is because you understand and have lived this life as I am. I have not seen or spoken with my wife for 1 month now and the emotional balance (equalibrium) is slowly returning and I am able more to realize what has happened and will most likely be the end. Sandy is in counseling and her focus from what I am told is about her relationship with her children because she is aware now ” she does not know how to have a loving relationship with them” , these were some of her last words to me when we were traveling together 4 weeks ago. I love her and am afraid to tell her about her “problem”.
    I hurt, but I am ok.

    JOe 😦

  12. kimcooper said

    Hi Joe,

    You hang in there – what Sandy is working on sounds perfect and hopefully there will come a time when you can talk again. I am about to launch a new funnel as well with some pages about facing ones own narcissism that perhaps you can send her links to.

    Blue skies tomorrow (-:

    Kim Cooper

  13. Joe said

    Hi Kim & Steve,
    Have you finished the new pages/funnel yet?
    The reason is because my wife Sandy is in total denial and states” she has no narcissism at all”. I simply said that I did not want to talk with her today at all.
    By the way I am practicing step 1 from Codependancy Anonymos, ” I admit I am powerless over others and my life has become unmanageable”, any thoughts?

    JOe 🙂

  14. kimcooper said

    Hi Joe,

    If you go to the page here and make a selection and subscribe you will be sent a list of recommendations …

    I hope this gives you some support,

    Kim Cooper

  15. MV said

    Hi, I recently have been introduced to NPD. I have been dating a man for the last year and half that has recently came to terms with having this. We had several problems related to this and I found myself constantly calling him out on his dishonesty. We took a break due to him continuing to be dishonest to me in July 2010. I found him lying to me and others about things that had no validity and noticed that he had come to the point where he didn’t know the difference between truth and lie. After 4 months of separation things seemed to be getting better and we began planning to move into my home together along with his kids. Though, to my surprise I woke up to his phone ringing uncontrollably one night and found out that he had been having an emotional relationship with another woman for the last month that he met on Facebook. This is when I realized that it was more severe than I thought. I immediately severed our relationship. Asking him to leave my home and get help was difficult but has forced him to hit rock bottom. After reading about NPD, I became intrigued and informed him about it. He is a musical entertainer on the side and feel like he thinks this person is real to him now which causes him to live the double life. His mother had him very young at 16 yrs old and didn’t receive much maternal attention form her. His grandmother raised him and his only male role model in his life was his chronic alcoholic grandfather whom died of lung cancer when he was 15. His father whom he never was really close to also passed away that same year from an unexpected brain aneurysm. All this made him feel a sense of abandonment. Also, something really traumatic happened to him as a child that he could not share with anyone because he was ashamed. Since leaving my home he has cut ties with the entertainment business and has reached out to a psychiatrist that helped him come to terms with this disorder. He placed him on antidepressants which really scares me. We aren’t currently seeing each other only keeping contact minimally by phone or email due to the realization that I was a huge enabler of this by playing the role of a caretaker and also excusing some of his actions. I’ve been reading that coming to terms with one self is the most difficult part for a person with this condition so I am proud of him. Though, there isn’t much information on what to do after that. I am afraid that his psychiatrist is going to just suggest medication and I am trying to seek out a more holistic approach. Can you suggest anything? He is very open to change and I know it’s going to be a long road to recovery. I myself don’t know how I want to be involved in all this until I figure out how to deal with his personality and how to be a positive progressive part of his recovery. He thanks me everyday for being assertive with how he was affecting the future of our relationship which has helped him confront all this. But I don’t want him to feel like I completely gave up on him because this was an underlying factor on why he has developed NPD.
    Thanks for listening.

  16. kimcooper said

    Hi MV,

    I am running out the door at the moment but thanks for writing. I would suggest that you both start by working through The Love safety Net Workbook with him paying particular attention to the chapter on gap work. I am sorry I don’t have time to write more but hang in there!

    Kim Cooper

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