In today’s show, Kim and Steve answer a pile of listener questions, including one skeptic.

Topics include limiting abuse, taking care of yourself, and a few nervous breakdowns.  Kim and Steve also discuss what recovery looks like from each of their points of view.

Please listen to the broadcast or read the transcript here


8 Responses to “Narcissism Q&A”

  1. Rebeca said

    Question – I broke up with him due to an illness. I did not want to plague a troubled relationship. After I left, I realized more about him and how to love someone like him. I wrote him a letter explaining why I left and what I had learned. I took the letter as an attempt to get him back. I waited second month and wrote another letter showing him how this life threatening illness has impacted my values, beliefs, way of life and shared how he had touched me, loved me and allowed me to see what was really important. He again took this letter as an attempt to get him back. He called me out of anger and stated he had been dating someone and to move on. He then asked me a lot of questions about my letter and his attitude changed. He realized I was not trying to get him back but asking for a friendship and having him in my life is what I want right now. He admitted he cared and I could tell he is still so hurt I called it off. As if his ego takes precedent over my illness but it does. He said he did not want to turn his back on me and noted many times how he still cared and we had four years together but he was dating someone new (two weeks after we split) and he did not want to jeopardize things with her. He was all confused and back forth in conversation in what to do. I left it as if I really wanted him to know the lettes were written as if these are my last words to you…He understood but I don’t think he really sees the change in me as he is with someone else and reading words no paper. How do I win his heart back and start over? How do I help him get past his hurt and fear that nothing will change and it will go back to the same thing. He is determined to see it his way, it will never work, I moved on, yet he still cares and if he could see it any other way…How an I get him there when I am not free to talk to him. Initially in conv he said not to write or contact him, he has moved on and he thinks letters trying to get him back. After he settled down to old self he realized differntly but he did not say I can call or contact him. He went back and forth on being there for me but his new gal…said he needed some time to figure it out. What can I do. Do I have to wait out the new woman? He mentioned that he never had intentions of not ever talking to me but wanted to put more time between us and establish this new gal before contacting me, however he did not realize the brevity of my illness. He is afraid to see me because he will melt and get sucked into “us”. He has expressed that to others, not me. What can I do.

  2. George said

    Dear Kim,

    Hi Kim, I’m a narcissist. i can’t work with people well, and i’m not understanding at all. i feel so sad why am i born a narcissist and there is no cure. The saddest thing is i have a very loving & caring girlfriend soon to be my wife. i want to treat her good take care of her like a man but instead i’m a man she turns out to be a man to protect an take care of me. i hurted her sometimes and she still love me so much she will never break up with me cause she is a very loyal girlfriend. I need to live like everybody does. I want to take good care of her. :`( She works everyday including saturday and sunday, she need to take care of her old parent and her siblings aren’t helping to take care of family. She sacrifice and extremely tired everyday she is so unbelievable woman. I never seen any girl as good as my girlfriend. I really need a cure. I want to earn money so she doesn’t have to work so hard. I want to take care of her. I really need a cure.

  3. CD said

    Hi George,

    How wonderful it is to read your story so far – it is truly a courageous step you are taking to overcome your narcissism!

    Your journey from now on will no doubt be a long and difficult one but extremely rewarding in the long term – but you can do it because YOU want to do it! You will need the understanding and support of your fiance – and I believe she will because she sounds like a lovely caring person already. Your fiance will need to be prepared to learn about narcissism alongside you – there is a lot to learn but it is worth it for the both of you.

    I can hear your urgency and anxiety to get a cure quickly – but try to remain calm and absorb each piece of material as fully as you can – whether it be an article or a radio show of Kim and Steve’s. No-one can change their long standing habits and behaviour overnight – just take it one step at a time – and just one day at a time.

    Try also to find and spend quality time with someone you admire for their character traits so that they may be a good influence on you. Look for qualities in them such as honesty, humour, kindness, understanding, good manners, calmness, and so on – a stable male role model would be the best type of mentor for you to learn from to become the man you want to be. If you don’t know someone or are uncertain about this then ask for help in choosing someone, or join an activity group where you might meet caring stable men to mix with.

    Remember that a journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step – just one step at a time and you will reach your destination.

    Good luck and stay in touch,

    CD Australia.

  4. George said

    Hi Kim, thanks for the reply been waiting for your reply. i think there could be cure. I found out that there is a muscles in our brain that cause us a narcissist kim. i tried to adjust and push the muscles away in my head and my eyes start to be open see thing differently but it’s hard Kim see the reality of the world Kim. Please advise Kim.

  5. Linda Kutil said

    My husband and I are about to split after 29 hard very hard years. He is saying that I am the one that has broke us because I am broken and I keep going to get help and try to work through getting whole so we can make it. I feel as if I am dieing and my body is reacting to all of this stress. When i talk to him he refuses to say anything about his part. Just keeps telling me that I am the one that ship wrecked us and that I have to change to get us off the shoals. I finally figured out I can not. I am ready for my own sake to get off the ship, Every conversation only goes sideways. Please respond. He wants to talk tonight and I can hardly stand the thought. He says he is not seeing any one else right now. Meaning what this weeK because I found some very interesting e-mails.

  6. kimcooper said

    Hi Linda,

    I really feel for what you are going through, I wonder if you have worked through our program at all? It is important that if he is seeing someone else you find out and bring this into the open with other influencial people in his life as outlined in the personal bill of rights. I know how tired you must be feeling but hang in there because you need to stand up for yourself!

    Kim Cooper

  7. monica said

    Hi Kim
    I tried my best to help my husband and help myself
    in order to cure his narcissm. In hopes of having a strong family. Despite my best efforts it did not work. I just got a protective order granted last tuesday. I am pregnant and have a toddler with him.
    The next step is the divorce and getting sole custody of both of our children. And I know that is for the best, that I am on the right path, but I am dealing with a lot of pain that I was not expecting.
    I knew it was going to hurt to go through all this, I just did not expect it to hurt this much.
    I know that I have to take it day by day and soon I will feel better.
    I am still in shock for the things that he is being doing (because of his NPD), eventhough I have read about them in your blog, books etc. It still surprises me that he does those things.

    I do not know how to begin, after this nercissistic relationship. Any advice. Thank you

  8. kimcooper said

    Hi Monica,

    I am so sorry to hear that. Please keep building your support network and stay strong for your kids. Remember that your happiness comes from inside you and
    you must play smart and play to win now and not allow you children to get caught up in this conflict. I hope that you are successful in getting sole custody – otherwise
    you will perhaps need to put more work into ending the conflict.

    Now is the time that the 4 legged stool exercise will really help you. Have a look at where your weak spot is and see if strengthening that area may help.

    Hang in there Monica,

    Kim Cooper

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