Steve and I have done a radio show on this topic here;

In this show we talk about how damaging playing hard to get can be to relationships down the line and our two big rules for being attractive and successful in dating and relationships.

So please listen to this show first and join in the discussion here!

Hang in there!



10 Responses to “The Rules”

  1. Chris W said

    The section about The Rules in your radio show got me thinking, especially about the part of trying to attract a partner by being The Prize. I think that it is often times how we do this that makes a huge difference. Someone who doesn’t believe in their inherent worth will try to make themselves into their idea of what a prize should look like. It is fake and when you are fake it can’t last because you don’t have intimacy.

    I spent years trying to do this and wondered why I was so lonely and why it was never enough. I played the game of if I was (fill in the blank) enough, I could get the guy to like, want or love me. So I played the role that I thought he wanted, but in the end, it was just a role and not me.

    When you believe in your worth as a person, it makes sense to share yourself in loving ways that brings a certain joy to both people. This cannot be faked. That is one of the prizes that people search for in life. There is joy and peace in being in the moment with another person without having to play a role or a game to earn something from them. I think this is why I disliked The Rules.

  2. Mellie said

    I am by no means a poet but I wrote this and share it here as the thoughts that came to me in the mist of a struggle with my NPD. I’m sure others can identify with the longing I felt just to be me and to have him be himself. In fact I nearly lost my self in the process of this identity crises.

    Looking back I find it interesting that I understood at some level that if I could just break out of this role he had convinced me to play, if I could just change me then he could be himself – the him free of guilt and fear- the him I caught glimpses of and knew he could be.

    Ben and me
    two halves
    of a we that
    try to be

    If he could allow
    he to be him and
    me to just be me
    like I want to be

    if he didn’t feel
    the need in me
    and if I didn’t
    fuss over him

    Like an old
    Mother hen
    who’s mate
    is gone

    Who’s chicks
    have flown
    to nest
    of their own

    If he didn’t care
    that I care
    and just be
    the he he is

    If we didn’t
    worry about
    the we we
    can never be

    He could be he
    and I could be
    the me I was
    meant to be

    If I could be me
    then he could be
    the he he was
    meant to be

  3. Coralie said

    Hi, Mellie,

    Great poem. Can I borrow it???

    very profound.


  4. Mellie said

    Sure, as long as you give me the credit for writing it.

  5. Joe Nyeste said

    Hi Kim & Steve,
    This week when I first began practicing what the rules are, It was like looking into a tunnel for me and beginniong a new journey. Consequently my wife Sandy and I have began speaking again.
    Thank you

  6. Mellie said

    That is so awesome. I am so happy for the two of you. I know that the both of you are as happy as I am that we found Kim and Steve.

  7. Joe Nyeste said

    I am sorry to inform you that because my wife and I are speaking again that this does not indicate we are so happy.
    You are assuming way too much. My wife is miserable and so am I, we’ve only just began to speak again.
    Secondly My wife has no knowledge that Steve and Kim even exist.
    I hope you can see a litle clearer now Mekkkue,

  8. mellie said

    I’m sorry that perhaps I did not express my self correctly. I know that it takes time.We will soon start on our third year so though I did not convey that, I am very much aware of the misery involved.

    To me just being able to talk was such a wonderful thing. Despite the difficulty, the anger, stepping back to readjust, falling back into old habits the shear pain of emotional trauma was for me wonderfully better than silence. Silence to me was death of the relationship. It was the end — terminal. He also said that staying away didn’t help and to me that is a good thing that he also felt that. Talking brought hope, peace and yes for me happiness. Communications between us now is sporadic not at all anything that could be termed a successful relationship.

    Finding Steve and Kim gave me validation, hope and knowledge I did not have before. Finally I understood and that changed me. That is the second wonderful thing. No matter what happens if we get back together or not Kim and Steve changed ME-made me a better person – a productive healthy person.

    My N does not have any idea about Steve and Kim either. He does know, however, that something has changed me and he’s not able to push my buttons in the same way as before. He says he hates my false sense of security.

    Of course he does, I don’t fall apart and cry like I used to do and his excuses don’t work anymore. He has to either come up with another smoke screen or change himself. That change is up to him. But as for me I am happy. I have found the real me again. I will be ecstatically happy if he makes those changes. I pray that he will but it is up to him.


  9. Joe Nyeste said

    Hi Mellie,
    I am learning about narcissism and to label my beautiful wife Sandy an initial “N” or NA or BPD is denial that I have a problem. My wife Sandy is a perfect person first that came to a point in life as myself that this disorder rooted and became a part of her and likewise myself long before we met.

    I hope you get better also and may God richly bless your life.

  10. Mellie said

    Thanks Joe,
    It is indeed a process and recognizing that is about changing ones self not your partner is the first step. I wish you the best as you continue to get better.

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